The Not-So-Secret Life of an Indian Teenager

I’d just like to begin by saying,this my first attempt at using gifs in my blogpost. No idea I had,that it would be so tough (after effects of a Star Wars movie marathon).So it may differ from person to person,but my experience of being an Indian teenager is

1.Waking up after snoozing your alarm 10 times. We put an alarm for 7 and 7:10 and 7:15 and 7:30 and finally wake up at 10-mostly because someone comes in our rooms to do potaa. 

 

2.Picking out the same clothes you always wear. Even though you recently decided to be the new you. You know you went shopping that day and you bought that top you saw your crush’s girlfriend wearing. You also bought heels. But who are you kidding? Nothing works out the way chappals and t shirts with pop culture references do. Boys gotta wait.

 

3.Meeting beggars and trying to convince them that you too are as needy for money as they are. Much broke. Very empathy.

 

 

4.Learning that you are at the mercy of cab and rickshaw drivers. Them bitches be at the top of the social pyramid. Why you ask? You know exactly why. The number of rejections you have to deal with when you try to catch a cab outside a station makes you feel a little better about your love life.

5.Speaking of cab drivers,they can occasionally turn out to be brilliant at conversations about life. You go to a counselor and spend 5000 bucks? Haha. My counselor drives me around,takes no extra cash,is exceptionally adept at abusing and singing Bihari songs.

 

6.Running into aunties who ask you about your education choices and judge you anyway.

 

7.Running into aunties who see you hanging out with guys and judge you anyway.

 

8.Managing to balance a secret relationship,A grades, a social life and cousins’ weddings.

 

9.Watching all your favorite tv shows online and cursing america for not giving importance to third world countries.

 

10.Jamming to Babydoll with your friends.

 

11.Eating pani puri till your lips burn and stomach feels like the inside of an active volcano.

 

12.Seeing the faces of (possibly)self destructive teenagers in ads for JEE on buses and on walls and on hoardings and in schools and on a hundred thousand pamphlets.

 

13.Opening a video to find that it is not available in your country.

 

14.Singing Yo Yo Honey Singh in the recluse of your bathroom

 

15.Trying to do something with your life but eventually giving up on the idea of productivity. But that’s pretty universal so.. same pinch,people of the world.

Aaaand that’s it.

Why Modi will become PM of India: Uzair Belgami

Satirical pieces like this ignite my soul.

KAFILA - COLLECTIVE EXPLORATIONS SINCE 2006

Guest post by  UZAIR BELGAMI

I have been reading around of late and was surprised to see that there are actually still some people who think there is still a chance that Narendra Modi will not become PM of this country in 2014. Hah! Must be those minorities, or those Secularists, or those Communists who are saying and thinking this – all are Pakistan-lovers, Leftists and anti-nationals. I felt it is necessary I deal with these people through this article, in order to deal the ‘final blow’ before the elections.

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Bro. Do you even banana?

DISCLAIMER:This post is as ridiculous as the title.

Ok seriously. Where is the inspiration?

I mean for God’s sake,throughout my exams,my mind was full of ideas for my blog.I felt so insanely smart and life was good. I couldn’t wait to begin to write and awe souls and basically just feel like a boss. But I showed restraint. I waited. I studied for my boards because you know, priorities. So you can imagine my excitement when my boards were finally done.  I sat in front of my laptop and tried to channel my inner writer. Mug of coffee by my side,I was ready to wow the world. Only…I went blank.  Here I was,exploding with ideas a few weeks back. I felt like Will Smith had just erased my memory in Men In Black 2. And it wasn’t even like I forgot a few details. My memory decided to fuck off and laugh at me from behind a rock.

Since then I’ve tried to think of new ideas. I look for inspiration in the most random things. Tissues are the current victims of my desperate mind. I’ve come to a conclusion. My mind is a whore.

When my exams were going on,she decided to look for solace in something else(my blog).She thought of it all day long and fantasized about it and she even cheated on my exams once. And now,she looks for solace in well,nothing. All she wants to do is rest,being the lazy piece of shit that she is. My day now consists of watching breaking bad all day long or reading a book or sleeping. I swear to god my brain has the most dysfunctional relationship with productivity. She tries to love him. He run behinds him. But let’s face it. She’s the old Barney. #lolatcommitment

Now don’t get me wrong. I want to do something worthwhile but it’s tough;tougher than saying no to cotton candy flavoured icecream.

This was supposed to be the most fecund vacation of my life. Only,its turning out to be as fruitful as an episode of ‘Keeping Up With The Kardhashians’.

 

So help me maybe?

Things to do when you’re bored.

1-Count things. Count anything. Count the number of pencils you own or the tiles on your floor or the number of days you’ve wasted. Courtesy:a friend whose tag line is ‘Counting gives me pleasure,yaar’.

2-Make lists. Look at me being all inception like. Idea of a list within a list.

3-Spend some time perfecting your other voice. You never know when you may need it. We’re talking about some serious undercover shit here.

4-Stalk your crush until you know everything related to their existence. Then memorize it. Then make a scrapbook. Then name yourself ‘overly obsessed stalker chic’. Make a meme. Become famous.

5-Stare at the wall making up stories about your future. After your Annie moment is over,assume role of a person who just gone done reading TFIOS. Because being as lazy you are,that dream is far from being reality.

6-Read a hundred buzzfeed articles at the end of which you will realize that the only thing that is different about your life is the fact that you have seen the latest version of ‘cutest puppy ever’.

7-Decide that you must have a hobby. You cannot possibly be so untalented right? Try to sketch or sing or dance or something. Conclude with receiving a complaint from your neighbors and go back to balancing things on your nose.

8-Watch old episodes of your favorite TV shows from the 90s and complain about how television today sucks. All while waiting for the new season of Game of Thrones.

9-Make theories of how your teachers turned out to be the way they are.

10-Make love to food. They don’t bite back.

11-Don’t know if you’ve heard of this but there’s thing called studying. Apparently it makes you smarter and actually helps. Try that. Take help from people who discovered this art a while ago.

Oblivion’s child.

I wondered why I was missing you. And I came to a conclusion. It was effortless. Being with you was easy. Life was a little less complicated with just one more thing sorted out. Oblivion is disappointing. On the other hand,certainty is always the more appealing option. You were my certainty. The one thing I could look back to and love without a second thought. And I miss the aura of ‘thereness’ when I was with you. I knew that every time I looked back I’d have you. And you’d have me. And that was easy.

As it turns out, after a while I didn’t want easy anymore. I wanted to be oblivion’s child. I wanted to be at its mercy. And that’s the path I chose.

The path that leads away from you.

My Labyrinth.

I’ve been fascinated with the word labyrinth ever since I read Looking for Alaska. Fact about words I like-I usually like them for how they sound. But this was different. So I pushed myself to be a little inquisitive about the origin of this word. So labyrinth basically means a maze. Only its not a maze. A labyrinth has only one way out. In ancient Greek mythology a labyrinth was built by the legendary artificer Daedalus for King Minos of Crete at Knossos. Its function was to hold the Minotaur, a mythical creature that was half man and half bull at the center. It required tremendous efforts to get out of this maze.

Which brings me to my interpretation. Pain is our own personal labyrinth. The cause of our pain,our demon is in the center. We push ourselves away from it. We persevere to find a way out so that we can get on with our life. Some paths unfortunately lead us right back to it. The minute we think we’ve found freedom we find ourselves staring at our demon face to face. Now we have a choice. We can either give up and succumb to our demons wants or we can take no for an answer and try to look for another path.

The past year has been my year of getting out of the labyrinth. And I say,as senile as it sounds there is a little beauty in it. Not only do you get to know yourself a little better,you enjoy the fact that you have control over your demon. You can choose to move away from your demon. The walk through your labyrinth is a journey. A journey towards freedom. So enjoy it. The walls are there for a reason. The course is there for a reason. It’s to remind you that what lies on the outside is the rest of your life.

Things To Do In Junior College.

1.Make friends with a senior who won’t give you a wedgie.

2.Find the one place you can go where no one will see you when you do get a wedgie.

3.Do ‘setting’ with the lab assistants.

4.Watch the news so that people don’t think you’re an ignorant fuck. Quote Arnab Goswami.

5.Fall in love with a senior. Stalk him. Watch him kiss his girlfriend. Go to a corner and cry in foetal position.

6.Take selfies with the watchman,the Chinese counter guy and the sexually frustrated teacher who forgot how to smile.

7.Wear pyjamas to college because you’re chill like that.

8.Pin your hopes on the next exam.

9.Join a club so that you meet people who are as socially awkward as you.

10.Use your college festival as an excuse to show off your college to other friends.

11.Whisper penis in someone’s ear and run away.

12.Make a plan with your college buddies. Watch it fail. Pretend you didn’t care in the first place.

13.Make awkward eye contact with the people you meet on the way to college in the bus or train.

14.Smile politely when seniors make fun of you for being a JC whilst you abuse them in your head

15.Eat everything in the canteen. Puke out the ‘Paneer Quiche’ and retreat to the chaat counter 50 rupees poorer.

16.Make friends with the college cat. He will hear your darkest secrets without judging you. Or maybe he’s just eyeing your leftover food.

17.Find a fellow lover of your crush and make up a signal to give each other when that fine piece of ass enters the canteen.

18.Update your Facebook,twitter,instagram,pinterest,bbm,whatsapp profiles daily and make it seem like your life is actually very exciting. And comment on everyone’s updates. We know you want them likes.

And succumbing to the social enigma of ending on a sentimental note,

19.Enjoy every single day and make amazing friends who love you despite being scarred for life by your antics.